Psychomuse.com

Poetry, 2000

IN THE MIDST OF DECEMBER

I've played you just a little while

Remembering a few spooky tunes from my head

Then getting irritable when I miss a few notes

And my fingers would love to go back to bed

So I turn away before I get mad

And instead of frustration I remember my heart

As I brought you home for the very first time

The very same night that the real fun would start.

Caldor - forever a name burned into my mind

Along with the friend who brought me there.

I went in her van to pick up my box;

It could have been freezing but I didn't care.

Went into the store and up to the desk

Paid off the balance and waited forever

To have them bring out that sweet bluish box

My connection with it just will not sever.

My mind gets clearer as I climbed the stairs --

Anticipation does that, I guess --

I set the box down so carefully, gently on the shelf,

And only took but a whit of a rest.

My fingers itched and so I allowed

The box to be opened at last.

I savored the moment as I lifted the top

And slowly let go the breath I'd amassed.

Lying around my new musical toy

Was translucent plastic and a smell that was new

I'll forever remember the breath I took in

I'll always remember how thoughts were so few.

The plastic came off so slowly at first

And then set aside for future use.

I gazed for a moment at the object I'd bought

Then found the box was not all that loose.

After tugging so gently at the well-packaged ends,

I pulled out the greatest thing in the world.

Somehow the box disappeared somewhere

The styrofoam was probably hurled.

Caressing the case, I still smelled its newness.

The smooth black edges I could now feel.

Ever so gently, I set it all down on that shelf.

And realized at once that this was for real!

'Twasn't a dream, I now understood!

My heart almost stopped in delight

As I plugged it in, and reached for the power

And watched as on came the light!!

I vaguely remember my friend standing there

I know that sounds awful, but it's true.

I'd found a new passion which would last through the years

So what else could I do?

My ability lacked, I sure don't deny it.

But that didn't matter in the still of the night.

I played what little I knew at that point,

And to this day it is still my delight!

So now, after years of struggling and fun,

I lie here writing down all I remember,

About that fateful night in 1995 --

Amongst the cold days in the midst of December.

And noticing -- how my fingers still pulsate and throb with excitement!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

IT'S A DOG'S LIFE

Here I am, scratching my head

Wondering if I'll ever be fed

It's a dog's life, that much I can say

I'm not even allowed to go out and play!

I sit here staring as the eat their food

Some of it looks awfully good

But they won't offer me a bit

If you ask me, it just ain't right!

Now and then they give me a toy

Smile and tell me that I'm a good boy

But then they leave me all by myself

Meanwhile my food is up on a shelf!

The moment I go into their room

I'm quickly shooed out with a big old broom

They don't want me drooling all over their rug

How I wish they'd give me a hug!

Finally they give me my dinner

But just as I think I'm a winner

The cat comes along and steals it from me

(And always when my peoples are unable to see)

But I am a dog, and so it's okay

Even if the couch is a bad place to lay

My peoples still love me, and this is a fact

And they'll always know that I love them back.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

LONG EARS

What was that? I heard a noise.

'Twas outside. I heard some boys.

That was close, don't you agree?

Those boys just might be after me.

Grammaw says I need not fear;

She will always be right here.

So maybe I will have some food

And play a little while I'm in the mood.

A little hop, a twist and turn

Pretty soon I think I'll learn

How to find my way upstairs

'Cause they have some beds up there!

The kid had me up there once before...

How I wish she'd take me some more

So I could hide in her room again

And nibble on her covers like I did then.

The only thing I didn't like

Was the music she turned on at night

Some guy named Peter, or something like that

Made my earballs go really flat

But overall the visit was fun

And before it was over and done

The kid gave me candy, so yummy and sweet

It was so good that I washed my feet.

Down here is fun as well, I guess.

Especially when I make a big mess!

It scares me a little when I make things fall,

But I love to hop right off that wall!

It's really fun when they give me a rug

I can zig zag a lot and get away from their hugs

Hop up in the air and click together my heels

Those poor little humans just don't know how it feels!

I get a kick when they watch little ol' me

If they think that's cute, wait 'til they see

What I can do with a little more space

Anyone would think I'm running a race.

Now it's time for me to sleep

People think I don't rest deep

This is true -- how ready is my eye

To pop right open and so quickly spy!

But all in all, it's been a good day

Can't wait 'til tomorrow so that I can play

And chase after Grammaw to get some attention

And maybe a goody from her little kitchen!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

RECURRENT DARKNESS

Resolve has faded, insides twisted--

I'm in the dark again.

Going back to habits I'd thought that I'd needed--

I'm needing them again.

Things are better,

I am feeling worse.

The Sun is shining brightly,

But its gayness hurts.

At night I dream of these odd little things

Stories in and of themselves

Possibly things from a past forgotten,

Stored upon some old, dusty shelves

I wake up in a sweat

Aware of what I'd seen.

Not knowing what it meant

Until another dream.

My nerves are shot, I am so tense.

I try to think of better thoughts.

But manic chatter soon sets in--

I sure know how to talk a lot.

Hiding in my room

Does not help at all.

I listen to my music

With my back against the wall.

In anguish I try

To lie upon my bed.

But even then they all come back,

The thoughts within my head.

Even when they all subside,

And my brain is quiet once again,

My body continues to eat itself up.

And that's when Loneliness sets in.

From what Horror do I hide?

I ask myself this every day.

I have ideas, but if they're true,

Why won't this go away?

No, it must be something more.

Something hiding deep within.

Lurking below a lucid surface.

Just when will it all hang out again?

Most likely tomorrow,

And the day after that.

Might skip a day,

But then it comes back.

Oh, to Hell with it all,

I'm so sick of thinking.

I'm keeping it going,

And slowly I'm sinking.

Just let the tears fall,

And dry them away.

Then pick up your pen,

And see what you'll say.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

IF YOU WANT MY SOUL

A fragment of light

Shone onto my tear

So alone and afraid, I was

Not sure that you were there

Such a spell my mind was

Under, I could not tell

Reality from the fog

And then the Darkness fell

In the midst of nightly dreams

I was wakened from the dark

Morning dawned across my face

Rain clouds lifted from my heart

If you want my soul

Then come and take what's yours

'Til the end of time

I want to give you more

The path on which I walk now

Is no longer two

I hope that it's the right one

Which will lead me back to you

Pain shoots through me

As the rain falls upon my head

My eyes are only blank

And my feet are heavy lead

I think I cannot move

As the wind begins to blow

But the clouds are swept away

And that is when I know

That the path on which I walk now

Is no longer two

I hope that it's the right one

Which will lead me back to you

If you want my soul

Then come and take what's yours

'Til the end of time

I want to give you more

I will give my soul

Just come and take what's yours

'Til the end of time

You give me so much more.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

OBSESSION

Well, I sit here listening to music

Your words continue to haunt my mind

I keep stopping my thoughts but still they come back

It's getting worse with each passing day

I continue wondering when you're going to write

Obsession is a terrible thing

So I try to talk myself into other thoughts

But still my brain is remembering your letters

It's all confused on what's going on

Especially after the war I just fought

I know nothing of you

You know nothing of me

We exchange our letters

That is our reality

So why is my day

So full of you

When you are not there

Do you feel it, too?

My spark is rekindled

As I read what you've sent

I ponder your words

And what you have said

Why does my mind

Go on in this way?

It goes 'round in circles

Throughout the day

They're so very stupid

These thoughts in my head

I know so darned much

Yet can't make them dead

So anticipation grows

With each passing hour

Waiting for a letter

Which I will devour...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

DESIRES OF FRIENDSHIP

It used to be in my fantasies

That I would Link with the one in my dreams

Our minds would connect like they had before

And we'd pass through our own little door

But how quickly things change

(I didn't want them to change)

I first read a letter

And I know I should know better

If I let this go on for very much longer

I know my feelings will only get stronger

I don't want anything to happen between us

I think I'd rather get hit by a bus

For I want our friendship to last through the years

So we can share all our happiness, as well as our tears

I don't want it to go further, that much is true

Yet even at night I am thinking of you

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

HAPPINESS

Happiness grows ever deeper within me

I didn't think there was a way

To be so content and moreover ecstatic

With each passing day.

Confusion has melted away

As my thoughts have cleared

I understand what I don't have to do

Which was everything I feared.

Though you did not know

What my mind was thinking

What I was doing the past week or so

Was nothing close to living

It was some weird thought

That now I have released

And now I can enjoy

Those feelings all unceased.

For what I've discovered

Is a special kind of friend

For whom these feelings

Will just never end.

If I could just know

How to keep it this way

Yet I still look forward

To every new day!

Living in the now

Is so hard to do

I'm allowing my thoughts

To focus on you

I've allowed this obsession

Of mind to come out

For I've realized a truth

I knew nothing about

I don't have to want

What I'd thought that I did

And now I am free

To get rid of that lid

Which so hampered my thoughts

So that I could not

Feel like a friend

But now look what I've got!

A friendship of fun

And of peace and affection

Knowledge and passions

No more an affliction!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

AURAL BEACHES

Bands of Light once glowed so brilliantly

Finally they all went away

Flashes subsided and left me alone

But some things are here to stay.

I try to write, but I can't

For Truth does not come clearly now.

My path is leading in so many directions

Nothing can seem to calm it down.

So on I plod, trying to avoid

The Darkness part of me seeks.

Yet here it comes, so light on its wings,

Emptiness swallows me up in its beak.

I hear my voice as it tries to scream

But all that comes out is a cry.

Perhaps it's enough to free me from this

Or maybe enough to ensure that I'll die.

My face in my hands, I pray ever so soft

To the One I'd forgotten in lieu of my wants.

As I'm giving up all the Hope that I'd had,

The Terror lets go of the mind that it haunts.

When my eyes open, I wipe away tears

And stand up from where I lay on a beach

Then I relax and listen to waves

The clouds overhead are so out-of-reach.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

HOW SHALL I REFRAIN

How shall I refrain

From writing these words

Of someone so dear,

Of someone so close?

I will not cease writing

I shan't even try

To shut out my feelings

For my dearest of friends.

So how shall I say

What I have in my heart?

There are so many feelings

So where do I start?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A BEAUTIFUL DAY

It is a beautiful day

Even as the wind blows

Feel confident you'll handle

Whatever Life throws

For God is around us

Every minute, you know...

Helping us hold on

Whenever winds blow.

He is our Rock

Which we can hold on to

For He loves all his children--

Everyone, me and you!

All through Life's struggles

And the problems we face,

Do you think we could do it,

Without God's embrace?

And though we may think

That we're not in His sight,

Remember, we are tested

Every day with our plight

For hardship makes strength

And the lower we feel,

The greater our chances

Of finding what's real!

So no matter your mood,

Just go out of your way

To look at the rain--

For it's a beautiful day!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

CHOCOLATE CREAM PIES

I was here looking

For chocolate cream pie

If it hadn't been here

I sure would have cried

But it was, so I nabbed

The last two I found

You can bet that they'd never

Fall on the ground

In a much safer place

I packed them away

They're no longer here--

For those pies made my day! :D

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

ANOTHER DAY

Out alone in the darkest of nights

Filling up hours with all kinds of sights

Nothing can quench the loneliness now

It's nice to be happy but you don't know how

So on through the night you travel until

You reach a dead end at the top of a hill

Looking way down you see nothing at all

And then for no reason you let yourself fall

What have you come to, alone and afraid?

Can't you go on without someone's aid?

Your sky is darker and darker each day

Because of your loss you forget how to play

The stars continue to shine in the night

Even ignoring their beautiful light

Does not make them go away

And tomorrow brings another day

How far will you go before you begin

To see the light that's hiding within?

Why are you waiting to let yourself live?

Why are you waiting to let yourself give?

And will you live to see tomorrow,

Or will you stay within your sorrow?

Can you forgive and go on your way?

Can you forget and learn how to play?

What have you come to, alone and afraid?

Can't you go on without someone's aid?

Your sky is darker and darker each day

Because of your loss you forget how to play

The starts continue to shine in the night

Even ignoring their beautiful light

Will not make them go away

And tomorrow brings another day

Tomorrow brings another day

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

WHEN THE DARKNESS FALLS

When the darkness falls

No one seems to answer our calls

For help to come and give back our day

And then the sun sets anyway

Twilight looming overhead

Soon the lights will all go dead

Matches nowhere to be found

Lightning flashes all around

Though it scares you and you scream

And hope that this is just a dream

This will be the only light

To keep you seeing in the night

Sometimes we need a bit of that thunder

Whenever we're feeling a little down under

Within the storm there's always an eye

That keeps us safe 'til time passes by

And once we're back in the storm again

We're stronger than we've ever been

Until the storm goes on its way

And leads us to a better day

So when we're alone and want to go

Where it's bright than what we know

The storm is a way to answer our calls

Whenever darkness falls.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

NOTES BY THE ROAD

Laughter hides beneath the night

Ev'ry corner's filled with fright

Nothing in the world is right

Until the Dawn breaks through.

The Sun comes up so very bright

Through the clouds of wispy white

Over mountains shining Light

Which comes from only You.

Love no further, pay no heed

To anybody else's lead

All our lives we feel we need

All that we think we're owed.

Yet how will we ever know

Where we are supposed to go?

We are tunes which need to grow;

We're notes along the road.

Down a lonely road I stride

Waiting for an easy ride

Trying to feel the Love inside

So that I will belong.

On I walked in search of wings

And of course the worldly things

And all along I've tried to sing

Another person's song.

Love no further, pay no heed

To anybody else's lead

All our lives we feel we need

All that we think we're owed.

And how will we ever plead

Reasons for our ev'ry deed?

We're all music He can read,

Mere notes along the road.

We are such a stubborn breed

Moving on at such a speed

Never knowing what we need

To carry such a load.

And how will we ever know

Where we are supposed to go?

We are tunes which need to grow

We're notes along the road.

And how will we ever plead

Reasons for our ev'ry deed?

We're all music He can read,

Mere notes along His road.

Just notes along His road.

We're just notes by the Road...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

WATCHING THE CLOCK

As time goes by, I watch the clock

Waiting for the day to end.

Always waiting for tomorrow

And for all the new day sends.

Tomorrow comes and then repeats

As that tomorrow becomes the past.

Every moment seems eternal

Yet I know these days won't last.

But still my eyes anticipate

Every move the gears will make.

My fingers tap impatiently

Even though I have to wait!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

CONFESSIONS

Water pouring down my back

I lean against the shower stall

I remember all I've done

And then I hear His call.

Sobbing, crying, out of control

I look up to see His face.

Forgiving, forgetting, healing my soul

He welcomes me with His embrace.

I talk to Him so silently

In words I can't explain.

I let Him in, accept His love

He helps to heal my pain.

Still I cry, yet happiness

Begins to seep into my heart.

I know I'm far away from perfect

But at least I've made a start.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

SHOULD I FORGET

The other night I had this dream:

You had come to be with me.

Your hands explored my body.

Your lips kissed my mouth.

Your body moved with mine.

Bluish shadows on the wall

Moving in time with us;

I felt you in my arms,

I felt you in my heart.

I saw the sun begin to shine.

The dream ended but came back last night:

You came back to be with me.

Once again your hands touched my body,

Once again your lips touched my own,

Once again your body was mine.

How long will this go on?

Are you real, should I forget

All the times I've had this dream?

Should I pretend we never met,

Or pretend the sun won't shine?

Will I see you in some place

Other than these dreams?

Touching my body in gentle love,

Caressing my lips with yours,

Allowing your body to be one with mine?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

COLLISIONS WITH REALITY

Music floating in my mind

Strongly grabs my attention.

Not allowing me to write

With but two exceptions.

Clouds of nebulae swirl in my head.

The music fades but returns for me.

My soul travels to other places

Before colliding with reality.

Slamming down onto the chair

My eyes open to read these lines.

How often have I made these trips?

I've lost track of all the times.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A HUNDRED MILES

On a road in the middle of space

I walk alone my face all smiles

The end it seems so far away

As though I could walk a hundred miles

Waking up to telephone rings

TV blares to draw me out

Of a dead sleep so full of dreams

Forgetting what they were about

Two hands fly out to silence things

Smartly whacking a finger-bone

One leg finds its way to the floor

Suddenly I find I've answered the phone

Wake-up call from a very good friend

I'm reminded again to awaken from sleep

For in an hour I'll be somewhere else

And this somewhere else I'd sure like to keep

For in that hour I shower and dress

Put on my boots and walk out with a hop

I never wonder if I want to go

I only agonize over leaving my laptop

(I finally reasoned to leave it at home

Then looked at the clock and decided to pack

The think I adore so much in this world

So as I left it was travelling along on my back)

Things become slow when I get to work

For I have learned most of this shift

And though I know I have a long way to go

Before I know my brain is adrift

I feel like things have just begun

And for me to make things right

I must learn as much as I can

Before the end of the night

The biggest problem I ever face

Is staying awake despite the place

I walk along the empty halls

I play around the painted walls

Then I see the sign I love

It hangs so still in the middle of the night

I read the words on this sign, which is

Mostly brown with letters off-white

Reaching up I find I'm still short

Which I know will never change

But for some reason I feel so high

As though I've found a whole new range

Of space to fill with happiness

And joy and fun and lovely smiles

Have I ever felt anything at all?

For this I'll walk a hundred miles.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Pondering continued throughout 2000. I also tried my hand at creativity, such as in “It’s A Dog’s Life” and “Long Ears.” Later in the year I landed a job in I.T. and my tone got happier, such as in “A Hundred Miles.”

I went through a lot of changes that year, but had a long way to go as far as growing up went. Heck, I still do! LOL!

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