Psychomuse.com

Poetry, 2002

TWO STEPS FORWARD

The distance is growing with every mile

Only tonight can I realize this while

The question I've asked is answered at last

With a hesitant look that knows all too fast

Yet it isn't so easy to explain why I'm tense

Why the anxiety is getting so dense

And more so at each and every arrival

I know that it's part of my weary survival

Two steps forward, one step back

Searching myself for what I still lack

Never quite knowing just what I feel

Vaguely I'm seeing a part of what's real

It's so hard to balance my thoughts and my fears

Can even be hard to realize my tears

What am I feeling, and what needs to be?

Confusion and clarity seem so new to me

On one hand I know what I need to know

But need the experience so that I may grow

On the other I feel like a typical woman

With wants and desires that are basically human

Two steps forward, one step back

Searching myself for what I still lack

Never quite knowing just what I feel

Vaguely I'm seeing a part of what's real

So many aspects to consider although

Sometimes the wondering is only my foe

Creating a distance is merely a way

To keep my delicate feelings at bay

Yet somehow once I come around

All my walls come crashing down

I make them stronger still, but then

They come crashing down again

Two steps forward, one step back

Searching myself for what I still lack

Never quite knowing just what I feel

Vaguely I'm seeing a part of what's real

Two steps forward, one step back

There'll always be something I feel that I lack

But whether I know what it is that I feel

I know that I'm seeing a part of what's real.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

NOW THAT WE HAVE GROWN

So many of my poems had much to do with you

At the time I didn't see it but now I know I knew

Go ahead and laugh out loud, I know it sounds so trite

Yet you're the one that in my darkness always shines so bright

I tried so hard to lose this sense but always it returned

Going through the motions then, of thinking I'd be burned

But then, like now, the sense had never really left me flat

My mind was there, 'twas only I, that didn't give a drat

Here we are yet once again, now that we have grown

If only I had listened, then maybe I'd have known

But if we did it over, we might not be here now

I try and try to understand yet never quite know how

Couldn't comprehend why I'd thought you should be here

I sensed it in my mind and soul that you were always near

So many times I tried to lose the link I had to you

But other times I wished so hard that you would sense it too

And now we walk upon this path that you and I have found

Even though I'm waiting for the day my feet can touch the ground

The thought of leaving sends my mind into a frenzied scream

And so I let it wander on wherever it shall lean

And here we are yet once again, now that we have grown

If only I had listened, then maybe I'd have known

But if we did it over, we might not be here now

I try and try to understand yet never quite know how

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

FINALLY

Nine years had passed, I knew it was time

To take a small chance and hope that I'd find

The young man I'd linked with many ages ago

I found him so quickly, how was I to know?

His eyes gleamed bright as I opened the door

Very same ones I barely remembered before

But that was back then, this is right now

He walks in the door, barely looking around

Never before had I felt such a link

His ways may have changed a little I think

I'd always suspected that we'd get together

But hardly believed that he'd really remember

This may be new but the feelings are old

His eyes are so blue, yet seem very gold

I notice his body for perhaps the first time

But still I hold back so I'm not out of line

It could have been friendly but I didn't doubt

That sooner, not later, I was going to find out

That more than the link was tying us so

Chemistry claimed us and wouldn't let go

I'm happy to say that I was quite good

And held myself back like I knew that I should

But I had to give in and I'm glad that I did

For now I reveal the emotions I'd hid

These days are much simpler yet still so profound

For so very long I waited around

Now here he is, for now anyway

Perhaps it won't last, but I'm loving today

For how many times in my life have I felt

The way that I do, like I'm going to melt?

'Twas obsession before, but now I've moved on

And I want to enjoy this before it is gone.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

CONSTANT REMINDERS

A flickering light

I glance at the drive

Reminds me of you

I feel so alive

Another light means

The music is playing

Reminds me of what

You could be here saying

Get up, stretch my legs

Pick up the guitar

Reminds me I'm learning

We are who we are

Keyboard turned on

I play an old tune

Reminds me I wrote it

Because I'd met you

The rain hits my face

As I walk out the door

Reminds me of when

You weren't there anymore

Arriving at work

I see where I am

Reminds me of how

We meet when we can

Look through the clouds

Blue sky up above

Reminds me to thank

The Lord for His Love

Constant reminders

Of how I may feel

Reminds me I'm still

Not sure that you're real.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

PAST AND PRESENT

Years ago I had a crush

On someone that I couldn't see

At the time for we were young

And so, back then, it couldn't be

And yet my thoughts were all of him

As obsession took control

Couldn't seem to let it die

Darkness loomed around my soul

Even as things changed for me

And the past was left behind

Many times I'd think of him

And swore at times he'd touched my mind

But that was then and this is now

My obsession ended here

We finally met and got involved

Now there isn't any fear

For I've learned of who he his,

Of what's behind the solemn face

I think I fell in love with him

Despite some things he needs to face

And yet because of what I see

I cannot let myself allow

My heart to rule my head again

For that would only tear me down

I knew the time was right for us

And now I know our time will end

I'm going on without you now

Knowing that my heart will mend

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

LETTING GO

How can someone be so gentle

Collected, calm, and so polite

Speaking words so full of wisdom

And at the same time draw the Night?

How can someone understand

And in the shadows cast a light

Over something dark and dreary

And at the same time lose his sight?

What on earth can spark your mind

And light the way to make you see

What on earth can make you stronger

Strong enough to be with me?

What on earth can break your spirit

And build you up more steadily

Into someone I respect

Strong enough to merely be?

Why is it that you tear me down

When I can't help but love you so

Why is it that I can not see

There's a reason that I should let go?

Why is it that you cannot do

What you should already know

What can make you understand

There's a reason that I've let you go?

And if you knew all of these answers

Would you be so kind to tell?

I write these words so easily

But all applies to me as well

For how can someone like myself

Seem so happy, full of life

Yet at the same time turn to someone

Who only seeks a serving wife?

And even as I have these thoughts

And anger, I know, in time will strike

I wonder just how much of him

Is something in me I don't like

At any rate I cannot stay

With someone over which I'll cry

I won't accept abuse from you

This very thing would make me die

I know our paths will cross again

Forever caught within this loop

But now I must go on alone

Forever on a separate route.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

RAINING WITHIN

Slipping away

Hourglass sand

Time is flying

Where was the fun?

Falling away

A rock from a cliff

The oceans recede

Is everything done?

Grasses ignite

Skies are aflame

Clouds disappear

There is no more rain

The world disappears

All left is a void

Stars are all gone

But so is the pain

Beauty has vanished

Lights have gone out

Sunsets are night

Mornings no more

The sun will not rise

Won't brighten the sky

The room is all dark

There isn't a door

But there is no more hurt

No anger, no pain

No feelings of guilt

No semblance of shame

All slights are forgiven

The hatred is gone

The water pours down

There's no one to blame

A new world beginning

The stars are reborn

New lights in the sky

The sunrise in bloom

A hand touches mine

Forgiving my wrongs

New love I have found

I wake in this room.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

LIFELONG FRIEND

He holds my hand when I am sad

And holds me back as I get mad

He lifts me up when I am glad

And brings me back if I am bad

And if I fall He helps me up

Pours the water in my cup

Makes my bed so I may sleep

Gives me tears so I can weep

When I'm down and all alone

He lets me know I have a home

Gives me guidance in my need

Even if I don't agree

Many times I've been afraid

Many times I know I've strayed

Yet He's been there by my side

Even when I've tried to hide

He gives me words so I might pray

Allows me to see the sun every day

Shows me the movement of the clouds in the sky

His presence was there when I thought I could die

At times I try to hide my pain

But I know I try in vain

For He sees me everywhere

And I know He's always there

He is the key that opens the cage

The very music on every page

All the notes beat to His time

His inspiration allows me to rhyme

Every breath in life that I take

Every single time that I wake

All the things I do and say

He is with me every day

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

FILTERED LIGHT

A slight ambience

The sun is out

It filters in

Through the shades

Won't be forgotten

It almost glows

As it peeps in

Casting its warmth

In an otherwise dark

Basement apartment

Parts on the desk

Computers as well

Electronics all over

Mixing with mine

Their energies mix

They seem to be playing

Strewn all about

With no rhyme or reason

Yet somehow confusion

Adds to their charm

Released from the deep

Waters of memory

Some things have resurfaced

And things have so changed

With the experience

Things are quite different

When you're older

Ten tiny years

Were my whole life

For someone like me

The side of the room

Brass caught my eye

Looking so old

Not nearly as bright

As it should be

Envision his fingers

Wrapped around it

Creating the sound that

Belies its appearance

And makes it more real

Memories fading

I sit here and think

Of whether I'd change

Anything at all

That's happened in life

The answer is no

For it would have meant

That things would be different

Perhaps even better

Than what they are now

But the sun might not find

Its way to this room

Igniting the brass

Attracting the memories

And passion for life

Things that I love

All that I've learned

The days full of light

These might not exist

If things had been different

The glow changes

As the sun rises up

A sleeper keeps waking

With new rays of light

That glow with new life

Covers come off

The cold rushes in

A delicate kiss

That continues to teach

The writer within

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

SAFE WITHIN HER

I sit here listening to the rain outside

Wondering where my thoughts are hiding tonight

Internet chatting is easy to do

A little escape when I'm missing you

Growth takes time for many I know

So often I realize that I have to go

But leaving is hard, I've been here so long

I'm happy to hear this comfortable song

How long shall I stay, a month, maybe two

Or will it be years before I leave you?

So much we have gone through, that much is for sure

If only I'd find a definite cure

It isn't your fault that I am this way

But nor is it mine that you're sad today

We're but two people just searching for life

And need to be separate even if by the knife

I need to go out and learn how to grow

We're really too close as both of us know

We may have been joined as if we were twins

But when we're together, nobody wins

Things are so plain, yet so hard to see

I only hope that one day I'll be

Able to leave without looking back

Knowing that we can find what we lack

How can I say I love you and leave

Without looking back and watching you grieve

As years of your life have melted away

I know that without you I'll be okay

How can I say I love her and leave

Can't help but look back and watch momma grieve

As years of my life are helping me see

That with her around I cannot be me

Safe within her womb I am

And yet without I know I can

Be myself and learn to feel

For myself and know what's real

And still I stay within her womb

Which, as I age, becomes my tomb

I cannot stay here one more day

I have to learn to break away

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

AND IF...

If I were to die right now

And I could leave a happy soul

I pray my spirit learned enough

To have reached a needed goal

And if death waits until I'm sick

I'd welcome it with open arms

And if my body's torn apart

I pray death keeps my soul from harm

And if I reach an older age

Where death is welcome any day

Then I'd pray my soul is good

And grew enough to lead my way

And if death means I'm simply gone

And my soul will die with me

I do not care if I'm forgotten

For I had lived when I could be

And if my soul goes on forever

I pray that other souls will too

For even if I were eternal

All alone, what would I do?

And if God loves me, that is all

That I would need to bring me cheer

I'd know for sure that He loves you

Even when you're seldom near

And if I cease to grow and learn

I know my soul would die right then

For without Him leading me

I would not know where I've been

And if we grow to love each other

And learn to give unselfishly

I know our souls would learn to live

And then we'd learn just how to be

And if we never reach that far

I hope that we can reach above

All the stakes that keep us caged

And at least believe in Love.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

FAR AWAY

The piano is playing

The singer, she sings

They're such lonely sounds

My heart, it has wings

You're so far away

From my body right now

I would wish you here

But I don't know how

So onward I fly

High over the trees

Searching for you

I fall to my knees

I pray that I make it

All through the night

Without you here with me

To show me your light

Yet while I wish you

Could be here with me

I know that you'd be here

If only I'd see

That though I can't touch you

I still feel you near

For whenever our minds touch

You're always right here

My mind quiets down

As the lids to my eyes

Squeeze shut for some sleep

As I soar through the skies

Searching for you

My heart slowing down

I find the green field

You're always around

We parted so long

Yet always I knew

That one day we'd meet

That I would find you

And softly caress

The face that I see

I waited so long

Now you're here with me

Morning will come

I'll wake with a start

But no matter what happens

We're never really apart

Searching for you

My feelings abound

You're so far away

But always around

My heart keeps on flying

The happiness won

The singer has finished

The piano is done

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

WANDERINGS

Flashes of green

Mixing with blue

Whispy white clouds

They lead me to you

High up in the air

Feet dangling below

Something propels me

To go where you go

The fields are a blur

The ocean mere blue

I keep on wandering

Until I find you

A road comes before me

I think I will land

But then we're above it

You've taken my hand

Together we're flying

We follow the road

Off into the sunset

We carry our load

High up in the air

Feet dangling below

Something propels us

To go where we go

We tire of flying

And drop to the ground

Thinking together

There isn't a sound

Another sun rises

The day starts anew

We wander some more

I'm looking at you

Thunder between us

Lightning nearby

We look all around

Again we must fly

We're back in the air

Feet dangling below

Something propels us

To go where we go

Centuries pass

And still we go on

Flying the road

Until it is gone

High up in the air

I look down below

Trees are so distant

The sky is aglow

I see you again

As we disappear

I know we will meet

I know you are near

A very quick breath

And then I shall go

And wait for the day

You're all that I know

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

GERBILS

White and taupe and almost black,

You bring to my life what computers lack.

Sniffing and digging and running all over,

These three little critters have won my heart over!

Lucy is white with red eyes that squint

Twinkle's eyes glisten, the colour of flint

Puff is the leader with taupe-coloured fur

I wait for the day when Twinkle beats her

Whenever they chew, their eyes squeezing shut,

I look at them, they look at me and say, "What?!

"Ain't you seen a gerbil chewing before?"

But I only smile and cut them a door.

In and out they go through this hole,

Digging a tunnel as far as they go.

One paws the glass, another eats seeds,

I peek into a box as the third one's asleep.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

FLEETING MOMENTS

I don't think you really know

Just how much I love you so

But you're not here, I feel alone

And how I wish you would come home

Will I ever let you see

Just how much you mean to me

Or will I stay alone with you

And wait until you feel it, too?

Love someone, then set them free

I know that's what you want to be

We've met again, but still I know

How many times I've let you go

Fleeting moments, all we know

Seems that time becomes my foe

But even though we say goodbye

Nothing ever breaks the tie

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

SURVIVAL

No one listens any more

I used to stand outside my door

Now my doorway can't be found

Lightning crackles all around

Standing in a field of dead

My head, it seems, is full of lead

Flashes here before my eyes

I try to look up toward the sky

Tainted earth, it fills my lungs

I sense where the sign was hung

Pounding chest, it cannot hide

The war is done, or have they lied?

Blood-filled rain, it fills the skies

Clouds are drenched with all the lies

Sound of thunder, falling rain

All the flowers feel the pain

Another flash, I'm now alone

Whatever happened to my home?

Fires burning, I am lost

To win, we suffer, that's the cost

My arm is gone but I don't care

I think I'm selling fresher air

Where did they go, what did they take?

Oh, my God, I am awake

Where have I been, I can't recall

The trees around me are so tall

Have you been here all along?

I can hear your happy song

Am I dreaming, is this real?

I find I have the urge to kneel

Might I ask how I got here?

It doesn't matter with you near

Look at all the people there

They don't seem to have a care

Will I be like them one day?

You say I am allowed to stay?

I am blinded by you now

And I can't remember how

To avoid your hands on me

Suddenly I really see

Forgive them, please, for they don't know

If you wish then I will go

Spread the truth within my heart

I know we will never part

The song is gone but I don't care

I think I'm smelling musty air

Where did they go, what did they take?

Oh, my God, I am awake

Cold and damp I lie in pain

Someone found me in the rain

I must survive and tell them all

About the song and trees so tall

They don't believe my story yet

To them I'm just a crippled vet

But I promised I would share

God, why won't they try to care?

No one listens any more

I stand outside a blackened door

My words are falling on deaf ears

But in the darkness, someone hears

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

ANTICS

Nibble your food

Or take a quick bath

Play with the others

Run around fast

Hide from my eyes

Or come out to play

Build up your dwelling

Or tear it away

Spill the new water

I put in there for you

I'll just refill it

Because I love you

Jump at the mirror

See who's inside

Figure it out

Or run off and hide

Scratch at the glass

Roll on your back

Chew on the box

Or have a light snack

Play with the wheel

Or leave it alone

Whatever you do

This is your home

Sleep soft and gentle

Right after your race

I see your soft breathing

And watch your cute face

Again I see movement

As I ready for bed

I watch in the night

Make sure that you're fed

I'll laugh at your antics

For all of your days

You stand up so tall

I love all your ways

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

NEAR OR FAR

He writes "miss you," signs his name

How I wish I knew his game

Far apart yet we're so close

I think I need another dose

Running fast to get away

Getting through another day

Trying not to let him rule

Gotta keep my body cool

Travelling on beyond the miles

I envision all his smiles

In my dreams his hands hold mine

In the dark I am sublime

On the phone or in his car

Whether he is near or far

On and on our paths will cross

Never finding total loss

How many people think of this

As a form of happy bliss?

Six months ago, I asked just how

We'd go on but now is now

Here we are, still going on

Almost all my doubts are gone

In his arms you know I'll stay

Until the day he goes away

Living in the here and now

Never knowing fully how

Even though we're far apart

The distance doesn't stop my heart

On the phone or in his car

Whether he is near or far

On and on our paths will cross

Never finding total loss

In a chat or at a bar

Whether he was near or far

On and on our paths have crossed

We both know we haven't lost

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

ANOTHER MAN

People would think that we cannot care

If we keep fighters away from the air

All throughout history people have fought

To keep faith or freedom, whatever they'd sought

If we went on without any war

Maybe we wouldn't know what life is for

No one should grow, we all have to die

So many people can't see though the lie

And who am I to see through the world

I am but a pawn, about to be hurled

Through yet another blast from the past

And for all that I know, it won't be the last.

And the whole world is saying that it's our job to fight

Gotta protect all that we know is right

Why do we live and allow all these lies

Away from our fun another man dies

Holding up signs, painted in red:

"Stop all this war before we are dead"

We all survive with our tvs on

Arrogance means that we'll carry on

Profits are reaped from movies we make

Not having money is all a mistake

Everyone knows that money is power

Aren't you in awe of this ancient tower?

The ignorant go to fight for us now

History books have all told us how

How great we all are in our country of choice

How hard it's become to hear our own voice.

And the whole world is saying it's our job to fight

Never believing that it might not be right

Why do we live and allow all these lies

In some foreign land another man dies

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

WALLS OF CHAINS

Here I am, chained to these walls

Watching the people as they walk down the halls

No one stops, but they're all free to stare

All that I know how to do is shut my eyes to the blinding glare

Several years pass and I have grown tall

Suddenly my chains are ripped from this wall

Everyone who watches will nod with their acceptance

No one likes a person here with any type of grievance

But now that I am free I don't need for them to see

Isn't that the way that things are meant to be

Happiness is in the soul if you choose for it to live

And every person in the world has the choice to take or give

There I was, chained to these walls

I watched the people as they walked down the halls

No one would stop, but they could all stare

All that I knew how to do was shut my eyes to the blinding glare

The glare was so bright because it was night

The pavement would shine reflections of light

Freedom so simple, so elusive to me

That is the way that things are to be

Several years pass and I have grown tall

Even my chains are ripped from the wall

No one can see me but I can see through

All of their faces and find what is true

But now that I am free, I don't need for them to see

How all the chains made impressions on me

Happiness is in my soul if I choose for it to live

And it took me years to learn that I can take or give

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

ELUSIVE DREAMS

I swam to find an island alone

One to call my very own

I found it here and settled down

No one saw my teary frown

As all the words within my reach

Were stranded here upon this beach

I felt you with me on this sand

Although I never touched your hand

Sunlight warms my body now

Oftentimes I wonder how

Even though you're far away

I can see you plain as day

And all the words within my reach

Are stranded here upon this beach

And I can feel you on this sand

And never really touch your hand

Words elude my mind right now

Oftentimes I wonder how

I can reach above the sky

Take you with me as I fly

Space and time, they've fled my mind

How often am I left behind

By a trail that's not my own

Before I can be fully grown?

And all the words within my reach

Are stranded here upon this beach

And I can feel you on this sand

And never really touch your hand

Where have you gone, are you still there?

I thought I felt you in the air

But you avoid my ears and eyes

Why won't you come down from the skies?

And I can feel you on this sand

And never really touch your hand

Elusive dreams tie you and me

How could I think we cannot be?

I feel your warmth within the sand

I feel you as you touch my hand

In my dreams you are so near

When I wake you are not here

And still I feel you in the sand

And though I never touch your hand

All the words within my reach

Will stay here, stranded, on this beach

Even as I swim away...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

WEEPING WILLOW

Your words, they fell, upon my ears

So late within the night

They struck a chord quite heavily

And now you're out of sight

The dream is dead, it's over now

Although we still are friends

And though the hurt is deep inside

The road goes on and never ends

What life is worth living

If you find your life has lied?

Like a young and weeping willow

I've sat alone and cried.

Why is it when I'm with you

All my dreams can end?

And why is it when I'm with you

All my will can bend?

For years I held you in my heart

And prayed you would not die

Before I could make love to you

But my life has been a lie

What life is worth living

If your life has been a lie?

Like a young and weeping willow,

I sit alone and cry.

How often had I wondered

Where your soul could be?

My tears are raindrops falling

Upon the truth I see.

Why is it, when I'm with you

All my dreams can end?

And why is it, when I'm with you

All my will can bend?

Is my life worth living

Can I keep it from the lie?

Like a young and weeping willow

I'll sit alone and cry.

The dream is dead, it's over now

Although we still are friends

And though the hurt is running deep

The road goes on and never ends

And the willow keeps on weeping

Despite the truth it now can see

One day the sun will lift it up

But for now it's just a tree.

And it keeps on weeping...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

WAKING UP

The road is winding through our minds

Despite the darkness of the night.

Side by side, we travel on.

We talk until the morning light.

Many things I've learned from you;

All these things I need to know.

And as I slowly start to dream,

I know it's time to let you go.

Although the sun shines bright outside,

Darkness covers up the day.

The dreams I've sought to teach me more

Tell me how you've slipped away.

Subsided words, we fell asleep.

Side by side, our hearts were one.

We wake within the afternoon

And know, for now, our time is done.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

LONELY BEAT

Bouncing to a lonely beat

The room is dim with dying heat

Nothing really much to say

But I'm writing anyway

Thoughts are stored within this head

I think they're turning into lead

For every one is heavy now

I'd like to sleep but don't know how

For until the sun is gone

My body has to carry on

Until the night comes crashing down

Nothing hides my smiling frown

Bouncing to its lonely beat

The rhythm leaves behind its heat

And then it goes, the rhythm's gone

Left me here to carry on

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

COINCIDENCE

I sit here reading poetry

That I'd written years ago

And suddenly I realize

Just how much I didn't know

Coincidence, so hard to see

Beyond the limits of my pen

Until it's done and over with

And I can see things once again

All the searching I had done

When you were there so very long

Bitterness eroded truth

Yet I fought to hear your song

I try to reason with myself

But something deep inside of me

Tells me things are not quite done

Until they are we can't be free

The darkness falls like heavy clouds

The Link persists despite my gloom

Coldness makes me shiver where

I'm sitting in this empty room

Music only amplifies

All I try to stop but then

Without you here I feel insane

I play the song just once again

All the searching I have done

You've been here for so very long

Understanding fights the lie

Still I fight to hear your song

Coincidence, so hard to see

Beyond the limits of my pen

Until it's done and over with

And I can see things once again

I sit here reading poetry

That I'd written years ago

And suddenly I realize

Just how much I'll never know

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

BRILLIANCE LOST

Attracted to a brilliant mind

Intelligence not far behind

I turned to see you but your sight

At times for me was just too bright

Many meetings we have had

Many nights we've been so sad

Dreams are shattered in the night

With the dawning of new light

Off we went to far off lands

Little do we know our hands

Hold on so tight in case we fall

We've been together through it all

But within a single life

Truth is like a dulling knife

I'll wake alone when you're not here

Even hopes won't bring you near

So in our dream I try to stay

For in life you're far away

Brilliance leaves me far behind

Even as I see a sign

Telling me to let you go.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

NO TEARS

No tears are left for me to cry

But fears are left for me to fight

My heart has died alone again

Waiting for a noble man

The tears they fell like rain

They helped to ease my pain

But now the sky is silent red

Roaring through my pounding head

Hot and cold, I am so torn

When will my soul again be born?

I know so much about you still

But I am weary of your will

Where are you now, where have you been?

You've been gone since 1910

This man stood tall but still I hid

So afraid I'm still a kid

No tears will ever save my day

The fears I fight won't let me play

My life goes on despite the pain,

My life goes on despite the pain.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

WAYWARD SNOW

Snow starts to fall at the wrong time of year,

Darkness is looming but still you are near.

I feel the decision and now I accept

That nothing I do can make you come here.

How long had I wondered about where you went?

How many thoughts did I think you had sent?

What did I learn from such an occurrence?

Did I learn that I love you despite the cement?

We always knew that one day we'd part,

And searching for truth, I see in my heart

That despite our connection, we just cannot be.

It's merely a flame that's easy to start.

And what of the link, and why is it there?

Trying to kill it, I no longer dare.

It's been there so long that it's part of me now;

As natural to me as breathing the air.

So giving up on my visions, I try to move on.

I realize again that you'll never be gone.

Maybe you'll be in my life down the Road,

But for now I'm alone on the Road that I'm on.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

THE TRAVELLER

Crawl into the blades of grass

Watch the insects living there

Follow trails they leave behind

Then take off into the air

Soar the skies until the night

Dive into the sea of life

Feel the waters guiding you

Telling all that you could do

Float once more into the sky

High above the clouds of gray

Listen to the stars so bright

Hear the words they have to say

Silence broken by their song

Growing louder as you fly

Feel their rhythm, hear their sound

Feel their music all around

Slowly, slowly, glide back down

Land once more upon the ground

Write the words that form down there

Remember all of what you've found

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

ETERNITY

Music plays

Stars are swirling

Within my head

Won't let go

Until I'm dead

Lost in space

Sadness lingers

Then falls away

I know that you

Will always stay

My soul is reaching

I miss your touch

I can't erase

The link with you

I see your face

Nothing more

And nothing less

Is what I need

From you now

I take your lead

My vision clears

I am alone

I understand

That I can love

Without demand

Lesson learned

My life goes on

I let you go

It's over now

I miss you so

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

LAST NIGHT

I know that we're over

I see that we're through

I hope we remain friends

I always feel you

Kiss me again, so tenderly

Before the night falls away

Hold me and touch me

Til the sun comes today

If this is our last night

I'll soon be alone

I want to remember

The sound of your tone

As you tell me the facts

Of how we're not true

I'm always your friend

I'll always feel you

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

LEFT BEHIND

Immunity's down

Mem'ries bound in

Feelings remain

I know I can't win

Where do we go

When we say goodbye?

I know you exist

You were not a lie

Sensing you here

But you're far away

I may not be crazy

So what if I'm sane?

The light that lit up

My life for a while

How it affected

The heart now on trial

So out come these words

I'm losing my mind

As I try even harder

To leave you behind

As I've been left.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

SELF-AFFLICTION

Why do I make myself suffer?

Why won't I see

That I hate the fact

That we cannot be?

Why won't I move on

And go on alone?

Why won't I escape

This jail I call home?

Why do I see

The sky become dark

Stopping the sun

From reaching my heart?

Why wouldn't I tell you

That I care

So much more

Than I thought I should care?

This sea is too deep

For me to explore

Life swims at the bottom

But I stay at the shore

Watching the sun

Set low in the sky

I used to love dawn

I'm waiting to die

The hurt carries on

The madness, it lingers

I had it in hand

Now I'm licking my fingers

Where did I fall?

What hole did I find?

Which tattletale evil

Will I not leave behind?

Why do I hide

The sun in the sky?

Once the rain falls

Will the clouds become dry?

Where is the anger

That I want to feel?

What causes fear

Of everything real?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

DAWN TO DUSK

Sunlight glistens in the dawn

Rainbows in the drops of dew

Reflects upon the stills of water

Dawn has broken, day is new

Flashing lights of memories

Crackle clear across the sky

Early morning holds a truth

And by evening it will die

Early sun grows older now

Glistens in the faded light

Afternoon has just arrived

Quickly comes the dark of night

Be still my heart, with memories

For I knew it wouldn't last

I follow roads that never end

The sunlight faded in my past

Be still my heart, for deep inside

You know that you are full of light

For any star can burst with flame

And any heart can shine at night.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

MOURNING STAR

All alone within the dawn

Twinkling like a teardrop falling

Wondering where the others went

Hoping one of them is calling

But the sky gets lighter still

And no others are in sight

All alone within the dawn

The silent star fades with the night

Every night the star is out

Weeping silent starlight rays

Calling in the sky in vain

As the nights turn into days

Mourning star, so all alone

Twinkling light fades with the dawn

It once had friends up in the sky

Now the other stars are gone

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

WANDERING SILENCE

Trilling of frogs over the laps

Of waters kissing the edge of the lake

A boat afar like a ghost in the night

Silence of evening alone without light

Misty shadows off in the distance

A lonely light glistens on water

Darkness that whispers like hairs on the arm

The clouds overhead don't mean any harm

The light in the distance dims as another

Lights up the way upon the still lake

Slowly the night gives way to new sound

While we wake with dawn all around

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

ISLAND OF DREAMS

Wavy lines run down my hand

Shining green beneath the sand

Water laps against my shoe

Reminds me I'm not there with you

The sun sets low on a peaceful sea

But this is not where I should be

The soft caress of falling night

Makes me wish I could take flight

But someone clipped these wings of mine

And took away all clocks of time

Rising, setting, all I get

To remind me that we met

Night befalls a silent soul

Life, it slowly, takes its toll

The sun creates a lovely tan

Perhaps one day we'll meet again

On a lonely sun-kissed beach

You are always out of reach

So every night I dream you're here

And every night you stop my fear

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

SUICIDE LIES

Not sure where you're going

Can't recall where you've been

Going 'round in circles

You're over the edge again

What in your life made you collapse

Into a heap of such wounded mess

Never knew anyone as simple as you

Why have you kept me trying to guess?

Something inside has torn you apart

Darkness keeps looming far over your head

What could have broken a delicate heart

A vulture is waiting to take you for dead

You may not know that I wouldn't judge

But I don't understand just how you could lie

About something I think was failed suicide

Do you know how often I've wanted to die?

Amazing, to me, that I let you in

And somehow you thought that I wouldn't know

Now I must set you free from my head

How hard it must be to just let it go

First one lie

And then another

Intuition saw through it

Just like a mother

The moves you made

Every time your hand

Touched my own

You never saw land

People wonder

Why the simplest touch

Is so terrifying at times

It's often too much

I needed to know

And found out too soon

I doubted myself

Before doubting you

Never again

Will I make that mistake

I should have known

Out at the lake

You won't lie to me again.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

for the second portion of 2002, click here.

2002 was a year of struggle for me. It did not take me long to figure out that my latest relationship was really an obsession with someone I barely knew outside of the less scientific realm. We ended our relationship and remained friends, despite the occasional hint that perhaps we should not have ended it. This lack of letting go completely on both sides made it very difficult for me to move on.

“Weeping Willow” pretty much summarizes the relationship at that point.

The poetry that followed reflected my inability to let go. Intermingled in there was an attempt to do so by succumbing to a rather sickly relationship that did not take long to capsize, reflected early on in “Growing Gills.”

The year ended with the realization that I’d learned to love. I suddenly saw things for what they were, even if I wasn’t quite willing to stop being willful in my ventures.

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