Psychomuse.com

Poetry, 2004

NEW YEAR, NEW MIND

Ushered in a whole new year

Writing suddenly appears

Emotions strongly volatile

God, you know, it's been a while

Screaming in the dark of night

My voice is heard until the light

My heart beats faster, faster still

As I summon all my will

Standing taller, feeling strong

Even if some things are wrong

Skies are overcast with gray

But underneath is bright day

I won't let them tear me down

I won't let them see my frown

You try to own my body and my time

But you will never own my mind

Because I've learned to block all of you out.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

THE MORNING LIGHT

The morning light shines upon

The delicate features of your face

Gently kissing my tired brow

As if I'm in another place

Hands caress my face and neck

Hair flips forward in your eyes

You bring your lips to mine, so sweet

Is this you or some disguise?

Chivalry abounds in you

I see you in another time

Where you were a courtly knight

Who put all verses to their rhyme

Mounted on a wondrous steed

Carrying a sword so bright

Trotting on the fields of dew

Sparkling in the morning light

Your lips are tender, hands so soft

Hair blows softly, eyes a-knowing

Caught within their deep abyss

I find I know not where I'm going

Touch your neck with parted lips

Your head falls back in subtle bliss

Return my touch with just a gaze

And a blazing, fiery kiss

Your eyes meet mine, a curious

And probing look into my soul

Deep in thought as if you see me

Out there on the grassy knoll

Where the horses tethered there

Neigh approval of our plight

As I wake within your arms

In the warming morning light

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

CASTLE RUINS

A steady beat, it rocks the night

Synths are never out of sight

As I hear your searching call

I find I'm dancing down the hall

Flickering torches all around

Casting shadows on the ground

Where my feet, as light as air,

Skip along without a care.

Until, at last, I am outside

Where upon a horse you ride

Sweep me off my dainty feet

With a smile so elite

Across the land, a gorgeous view

Grasses covered all with dew

Behind us lies the castle deep

And the memories it will keep.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

LARKSONG

Brightened sparkles in the night

The thudding sound of calm delight

Gentle sense of softly blowing

Breezes in a land of knowing

Standing tall, a blackened tree

Whose leaves are falling in the sea

The wind blows gently on its bark

Within its branches is a lark

Sweetly singing tunes of old

Her heart is like a harp of gold

Nimbly plucking at its roots

Enlisting aid of breathy flutes

From bursting clouds, a rain emerges

Where a river soon diverges

Surrounded now by flowing waves

Waters nourish former graves

The tree's in bloom, its flowers bright

Glistening dew in morning light

Leaves swept back from tender bark

Still protect the playful lark

Feathers ruffled by the rain

But nothing much could cause her pain

Building up her little nest

Settling down to watch the rest

The wind comes up and blows the tree

Again the leaves fall in the sea

Since she wove the nest she made

The lark sings calmly, unafraid

Watching stars within the sea

Gentle rhythm in the tree

Emanating from some force

Deep within a rooted source

Leaves caress the nest she made

And she sings so unafraid

Watching dawns fade into nights

On her branch, a jay thrush alights

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

SHADOWS AT THE DOOR

The quiet shadows, they watch from the door

Knowing I won't be here anymore

I sit here waiting for a telephone call

I know if I don't, I'd be up for a fall

The lights overhead are too bright for me

Despite their intentions, they don't help me to see

In my mind is your voice, your face glowing bright

A soft revelation in the darkness of night

Her voice echoes deep in the cracks of my brain

She doesn't accept a worker in pain

How can she exist? She won't understand

This hasn't worked out as well as I'd planned

So speak to me now in tones of reassurance

Touch my skin subtly, in ways I can't define

Breathe your gentle air across my waking neck

And hold me in the evening with no cares of passing time

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

FULL OF YOU

Where is your sense of self-esteem

In the darkening of the light?

Your mind is full of false self-doubt

Even though you're very bright

Your face, your hair, your moonlit eyes

Reflect a peace that grows within

You don't need Mom, you don't need Dad

To lift you from your sin

But I can't talk, I'm full of dreams

I look beyond your fearful hand

It trembles so with every touch

As if afraid to touch new land

And in the evening hours, you

Leave me here to breathe your name

My eyes are full of you, and still

You wonder if I feel the same

I love your hands, their gentle touch

Your lips are perfect to my own

Their breath is soft against my skin

Brings forth a voice with perfect tone

The harmonies are resonant

A symphony within my head

A smile with a memory

Sings "Love me 'til I'm dead"

Then in the evening hours, you

Leave me here to breathe your name

My eyes are full of you, and still

You wonder if I feel the same

Let me taste your graceful neck

And smell your skin so I remember

Do you need words to tell you how

Strong you were in late November?

My banter seems to hurt your pride

Humiliation need not be

I admire many strengths

In you which you cannot see

I do not spend that long a time

Chasing after prey that's weak

Don't you see? The chase was over

The day I knew you wanted me

Yet in the evening hours, you

Leave me here to breathe your name

My eyes are full of you, and still

You wonder if I feel the same

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

THE LIGHT IN MY EYES

There's a light in my eyes

That others can see

I mention your name

They smile at me

I don't understand

So I ask them why

They tell me point-blank

You're in love with the guy

But I can't be in love

For love isn't real

It's part of a tale

For children to feel

Isn't it wonderful

To feel it they say

How quick I object

But admit it's the way

That I'm feeling these days

Your eyes, how they shine

Beckoning beyond the dark

I feel them lock with mine

And words don't do justice

To the touch of your skin

Or the smile on your lips

Or the state that I'm in

Yet still my hesitation

To say how warm is your embrace

I'm so afraid that I misread

The look I see upon your face

But love is such a widespread word

And so often seems misused

But with all its lovely meaning

It only asks to be abused

There's a light in my eyes

I know you can see

I can't say the words

When you're looking at me

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

THROUGH THE RAIN

Through the rain

And through the tears

You've helped me stand

And face my fears

Through the rain

And through the clouds

I've felt your hand

Despite the shrouds

And through the rain

I've felt your arm

Support my own

When life means harm

Through the rain

Through all the pain

I feel your love

Despite the rain

Through the rain

I see your light

I love the rain

You shine so bright

But through the rain

Sometimes it's hard to see

How you always help me through

How much you really mean to me

The rain, it falls now

You'll see me through

Forgive me, oh, God

I forgot my love for you

Through the rain.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

DAY AND NIGHT

Ancient wrinkles of the past

Creasing corners of his eyes

Hair hangs loose, all white and gray

The mirror sees the young disguise

Tired eyes so dim and wise

Pierce the glass; they stare

Into me as if they know

I can see him standing there

Awesome wonder mixed with fright

Every time a different sight

Always older, always watching

I feel as if I'm day and night

Within the confines of the glass

His presence cannot leave this place

I can not bear to see him die

I scare myself and look away

Looking back to find him gone

All that's left is in my eyes

My hair hangs loose, it's turning gray

I see through the young disguise

Awesome wonder mixed with fright

Every time a different sight

Always older, always watching

I feel as if I'm day and night

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

CONTRA POSITIVITY

I sit here watching me

Sit here watching her

Watching for a sign of life

Whenever music strikes a chord

Fire flames and stirs within

Water quickly puts it out

Soggy mess; ashes, mud

Ebbing tides upon the sand

Emotions moving to and fro

All to oft, she wakes this way

Nothing matters anymore

I see the sunlight in the trees

The fire burns upon the sea

Oil and water don't combine

Yet here we are, so uncertain

Contra positivity

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

BROKEN DOOR

You stood outside

A Gentle Shepherd for protection

Sunlight glinting in your hair

I watched from the dirty window

As you approached my broken door

I warned you of the skunk I'd thought

Had made its way into my house

I saw the eyes look up at me

'Twas a cat, how could I know

I lay here trembling on the floor

I've dressed in black

And pulled the shades but it's not dark

My heart still beats within my chest

Longing for the Light I've left

I saw the broken wood outside

Laying there upon the snow

Soon the snow will melt away

The shattered door will be absorbed

Into the ground where it will rot

You took my hand and laid me down

Until I slept beneath the sun

As the day withdrew its light

You shaped the clay til I conformed

And said I'd stay but I forgot

I've dressed in black

And pulled the shades though it's not dark

My heart still beats within my chest

Longing for the Light I've left

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

GROWTH

Instead of burying it I dig deeper

Thoughtful, thoughtful

Wondering, analyzing

What is it that presses these buttons?

When I begin to face each of these encounters

Each of these arguments

Followed by her unwillingness to face me

To face them, to face herself

I feel as if I'm growing

I'm growing

Instead of stewing in the juices she has basted me in

For all the years of my life thus far

The juices I allowed to heat up

Boiling over

Into my temper, fed by fire

Burning, stinking

Smoking the house I live in

So that I cannot see

But I must be me

I must move on

And become who I'm meant to be

The graceful lady she once saw within my name

She is both calm yet unafraid

Perfection to all who see her

And speak her name

Yet inside a mess of tumbleweeds

Blowing wildly across the velcro floor

Of the tunnels in her mind

The mazes in the dark

The sunlight forever peeking through every cloud

Memories bound in, she backtracks, remembers

Understanding more and more

Yet still not quite living up to her name

Perhaps the taint of family history

Is too much a parasite of her blood

Yet still she continues to recreate herself

In the image she feels suits her the best

The one that gives her the confidence

To tell her mother "no"

And that she will not let her push her down

Any further than she has already

Both hatefully and lovingly

Pushed her down in the past

For truth is in the eye of the beholder

And two stubborn women butting heads

A mother and a daughter, both full of fire

Will never see eye to eye on everything

And it's always so much easier

To see the flaws in other people

So you do not have to notice

The flaws in yourself.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

CAN'T ESCAPE

I woke up this morning

Your name on my lips

Daylight spilled onto me

Yet dreams, they haunt my memories

On a path I ride a bike

Trying gates that lock behind

Then I meet you face to face

You're giving me a running start

I'm out in nature on my path

Riding down a hill then up

You're behind me, far behind

At the top I'm looking down

Cars fly past as I regroup

Every thought is calmly watched

I miss you so, that's why I sleep

For we can't hear each other's calls

Returned to bed and tried to dream

Imagined you were here with me

Daylight shining through the sheets

I can't escape the love I seek

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

BEDSIDE VIGIL

The curtain moves softly as the wind blows in

Several quiet people fill the small room

Hushed, low tones hang still in the air

As they await the breaking of gloom

Staggered breaths, all that remain

Of an old shell that no longer feels pain

Memories abound, not all of them great

But they can't prevent the hour of late

She cries after one but has to let go

In time all the hurt will fade and she'll know

That always there's life despite bitter death

And once there was pain but now there is rest

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

WATCHING ME

He goes everywhere I go

Watching over, loving me

All the good and bad I do

I can't escape for He can see

And I know that it's okay

He loves me, and I am glad

I feel His love flow through my day

Helping me through good and bad

Why do I tremble within His gaze

I think it's 'cause I am amazed

When the sun shines down on me

I feel His warmth flow over me

Why do I tremble within His arms

I think it's 'cause there's no alarm

For in the rain he's there with me

Guiding and supporting me

Yeah, I have doubts, so many doubts

But I know that it's okay

The tears I've shed within my life

He has always washed away

And I know that I have everything

I could ever, ever need

With Him always in my life,

How could I ever disbelieve?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

OBSERVATORY

Everything that happens

Happens for a reason

And despite my lovely words

They cannot convey the season

For beauty can not be

Described so very well

Observation can be keen

Yet people love their hell

They tell you to be quiet

They push for practicality

They do not understand there's more

Who cares for perspicacity?

But I say Life is more than work

More than strife between us all

Naïvete may have its place

But ignorance is where I'd fall

Yet speaking truth is not upheld

In the system of today

Everywhere you go, you see

Lies and vengeance out to play

Truth and value hide upstairs

Now and then they can be seen

In the rain that falls to earth

Collecting in a cloaked ravine

People tell you to be quiet

They push for practicality

They do not understand there's more

Who cares for perspicacity?

I see them all approach me now

They ask for reconcilement

I've learned to hide my observations

But I am still percipient

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

DISGUISE

She stays up late

Turns on the light

Time, it haunts

Her dreams at night

Fantastic dreams

So full of weight

Stare at the clock

The hour's late

Look into the deep abyss

Feel the years, they're slipping by

A nightmare was her life at first

Now it seems a lullaby

Mesmerized

Still in disguise

Mesmerized

Still in disguise

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

RISING IN THE WEST

I watched the sun as it went down

Then the sun rose up again

Orange glowing in the sky

Lighting up the road ahead

The sun is rising in the west

Lovely rays shine onto me

Guides me over velvet hills

I know this path has set me free

Gliding down an ancient road

Pavement lined with fluffy clouds

Break my fall if I should stumble

I can feel them all around

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

ULTIMATELY

ultimately

you turn back towards yourself

because you are the only one

who is always there with you

the one who knows you best

the one who understands

that you are who you are

don't need a book of instructions

just need a soul of gas

go to places you've never been

look behind the mask

and ultimately

you turn back towards yourself

unconditionally loving you

look into the mirror

look into your eyes

see your own reflected there

on and on they go

an endless sea of sorrow

knowledge you can never change

no matter how hard you try

how far you run

how much you cry

wallowing in self-pity gets you

nowhere, don't you know

a silly thought, untrusting soul

on and on along the road

without nourishment

you will surely die.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

TIME WILL HEAL

Time will heal a broken heart

Where my best friend had potential

Dust lies scattered for his sake

Lizard eyes watch with interest

As nimble fingers dance upon

Softly clicking keys, awake

Was it only in my mind

The last few months and were

We never really more than friends

My heart will ache a while yet

Still I want our friendship back

Say this isn't where it ends

My heart is beating in my chest

Carries on despite the pain

Life goes on, I cannot rest

I got closer, closer still

To the love I seek

I have passed another test

Your laughter shakes my very soul

I love the way your eyes look up

With that twinkle, reddish-brown

No, I cannot let you go

Your life leads to another road

I awake without a sound

In my mind I know the path

You take; I know the place

Where you must be when fires end

And I will be there for a time

Until the day we say goodbye

'Til then I want you as a friend

My heart is beating in my chest

Carries on despite the pain

Life goes on, I cannot rest

I got closer, closer still

To the love I seek

I have passed another test

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

WATERFALL

I listen to the water

Trickling through the vines

Absorbing all my tears

Drowning out the lies

I listen to the water

Splashing into lochs

Smashing all my feelings

Up against the rocks

I listen to the water

As if it's only rain

Come to wash my sins away

Healing all the pain

And then I come to see you

For who you really are

I can't and won't go back again

I've come so very far

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

MIDNIGHT PRAYER

After midnight, I

Sit here praying for

Us both as I keep

Wishing that you

Were all right

Minutes ticking by and

I can't stop my

Thoughts from roaming

How I wish you'd hold me

Tightly in the morning light

Windows shattered let the

Cold into this lonely

Room and I can't help but

Wonder why you can't be here

And all the time I

Spend within the space

Of my mind does nothing

More to bring you near

Tears stream down my

Face and take

My blood; they wash away

The platelets which carry

Life into my aching heart

Words elude my eyes and I

Cannot see beyond the storm

Of the mind; it

Clutters up my vision and

Makes me see that we're apart

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

EVIL LURKING

Your words are bitter

They reek of malevolence

And disastrous hatred

I cannot see you anymore

I cannot stomach your behaviour

And it costs me everything

To avoid you until I'm strong

Enough to care for you

As a human sans the evil

If there is one left

Long ago I fought my way

To enter an imperfect world

Now my being is my own

You don't control me any more

And still your words they haunt my mind

I wonder why you are so blind

Eyes of sharpened, jagged blades

Casting daggers through my shades

Still your words are bitter yet

Wormwood makes its presence known

Why bother trying for my love

You hate me even as you think

That you love me as you should

I don't think you ever could

Doesn't matter what you say now

Disaster's something I disallow

Why is our history swept under

Rugs so full of dust and dirt?

I didn't realize you are

Just a creepy half-lit jerk

When did I turn into a girl

When am I just a little girl

Since when did you start mothering me?

I'll never be your little girl

Since when do you feel better than me

Since when do you think you know more

When all you did when I was young

Was tramp around like some old whore

And when did you ever stop learning

That parenthood is never easy

Your comments make my stomach lurch

Yeah, your attitude makes me queasy

I don't owe you anything

You don't owe me anymore

I've taught me most everything

Only me against the world

And I know that I can be

Better than you'd ever think

Possible of just a bastard

Born into your tiny world

So shut yourself within your hell

Leave me out of your jail cell

I would rather die pretending

Than see your rotting hate toward me

Never will you see my face

Leaning in to say I'm sorry

You'll never see my tears of joy

No, my tears you'll never see

Since when do you feel better than me

Since when do you think you know more

When all you did when I was young and needy

Was tramp around like some old whore

And when did you ever stop learning

That parenthood is ever easy

Your comments make my stomach lurch

Yeah, your attitude makes me queasy

It ain't easy

No, it ain't easy

My stomach's queasy

And tears fall hard

As my imagination is

Shattered with a single card

I won't remain silent

No, I won't be quiet anymore

I'm not the only one with issues

My biggest issue you know is you

Power flows into my veins

Lifeblood given back to me

After being gone so long

The thief I know was always you

Save me Lord from all her evil

Watch my back as I displace

Her blackened heart away from me

Shake her hold off all my thoughts

Cast her mind away from mine

Break the tie that keeps us here

Caught in symbiotic twine

Save me from her hateful mind

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

BISTRO CAFÉ

I was downtown recently

Walked right past the place we met

Looked to see the restaurant

Where I found not one regret

Months fly by so fast you know?

It's been nearly one whole year

Since that day I first saw you

I didn't know you'd cause a tear

Do you know I wasn't looking?

And no one else had caught my eye

You sparked in me a gentle love

A happiness that made me cry

Then your calls would slowly cease

You had no guts to say, "I'm done."

What's up with slowly letting go?

You gave no answer; you had none

You let me fade as if a shadow

As the sun came out to play

High in the sky, 'twas noon forever

Then you finally ran away

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So far, nameless...

I am soooooooooooo drunk on wine right now.

Not to the point where I can't type, but

definitely to the point where I just ...

DON'T ... GIVE ... A ... DAMN ...

all I want is to dance to this awesome song*

whilst typing on this here keyboard!

Anyway, the poem... which I might name eventually

but for right now doesn't gots one.

My precioussss!!

(never get a geek drunk on peach chardonnay!)

One of my best friends has played me but I don't care

I almost snagged him but then she was right there

Manipulation tactics should so scare

But I don't think I really care

If he loved me then I would know

If he loved me then it would show

And he doesn't so I will go

I hope they're happy as it starts to snow

She's gonna have a baby soon

It's someone else's but he'll be there

Because despite her jealousy

Don't you know he really cares

I won't look back, it's best this way

I know better than to make him stay

If they need to have their space

Go ahead, it's not my race

So I sit here drunk and dull

Memories, they fill my head

I've got me gigabytes of space

For something else to fill instead

She's gonna have a baby soon

It's someone else's but he'll be there

Because despite her jealousy

Don't you know he really cares

She's gonna have a baby soon

I'll be its auntie in the full moon

Oh my destiny takes its shape

As I listen to this tune

23:04 10/14/04

* name of awesome song: Spacedel (depressio remix)

by maybe Dr. Awesome, remix by Depressio)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

SECOND CHANCES

I'm talking long into the night

With a shadow, not a fright

Would swear he were a mirror image

If there were no other light

Fall asleep beneath the water

Rain comes down upon your feet

My heart is beating in my chest

Still I try to be elite

I know nothing perseveres

And I can't help it, how I feel

My brain, it says to back off now

But if I did would all be real?

Months ago I took a chance

And don't regret the chance I took

Opportunity knocks again

Should I fear another look?

Nay, I say, I will plunge in

Even though at first I'll wait

Just in case it all goes wrong

I've got enough on this old plate

And in the morning when I wake

From the nightmare I have made

Perhaps I'll find him waiting there

Thinking that he's glad he stayed

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

FINDING OUT THE REASONS

Hatred knocking at my door

Love so ever far away

Wandered onward toward the Light

Nothing else to lose that day

That's how I found Him once again

Standing there in wait for me

As I envisioned how I'd do it

He caught my arm that I might see

I won't be plunged into despair

Opportunities abound

Where one door closes, more will open

Life is looking all around

Heart was broken, feel the ache

But everything's alright

'Cause it was broken open and

It's shining forth a joyful light

Finding out the reasons

For the rising of the sun

How would I have known them

If I'd had a gun?

And how would I have met

The people near and dear to me

How would I have learned to love

So tremendously?

I won't be plunged into despair

For opportunities abound

Where one door closes, more will open

Life is looking all around

Heart was broken, feel the ache

But everything's alright

'Cause it was broken open and

It's shining forth a joyful light

Finding out the reasons

For the setting of the sun

Never would have known them

If he'd pulled the trigger

And fired off a loaded gun

Finding out the reasons

For the setting of the sun

Almost didn't know them

'cause he pulled the trigger

And fired off a loaded gun

Livin' it up

As I explore another life

Almost didn't see it

As I caressed the gleaming blade

Of my friend, the lonely knife

I'll find out the reasons

And share them with you

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

CONSIDERATION

Do you ever stop to consider another

And get lost despite yourself

So lost you forget

How far you have come

And how far you want to go?

Have you ever wanted so badly

For someone to accept you

For who you are

That when they don't

You act like someone else?

And in the darkness of the night

When all the lights go out

Do you see their soul?

When you think you know yourself

Do you think you really know?

When your heart is pouring forth

The gentle music of your soul

And people all around refuse to listen

Do you see how blind they are

Or do you fall yourself?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

BLIPS

[*Following are some little blips

I've come up with. Thus far they

are not part of any poem, and I'm

not sure what to do with them, so

they're staying here for now.***]

Emotions raging, thoughts are racing.

WTF?! I should be PLAYING!

If I could open my eyes and keep

them open without the toothpicks,

I'd enjoy what I'm seeing

a whole lot more.

Those precious moments in my life

when I truly lived

Made me realize how much easier

and more fun Living is.

SO, if Living one's Life is easier

than letting oneself Die,

Why do so many of us try to escape Life

by focusing on Death?

My life was so full of death and decay

that it became Life to me.

Now I must find out how to really Live...

...and try it.

I've tried thinking happy thoughts

to block everything else out.

But then the Happiness lost its charm

because there was no sadness.

One of these days,

I hope to find a balance.

Getting hurt is just one way

Of closing the wrong door

So you'll open another.

It takes years for some to see that,

And even longer to truly understand it.

Fewer still will ever appreciate it.

If I don't start being happy now,

I quite possibly never will be.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

TREMBLING

Touch it, hurt it, wring it out

Into the depths of this starry night

Making it bleed into the sky

Fulfilling my dreams until morning light

I didn't expect and wouldn't have dared

To ever have found somebody like you

The crackling ache as I lie awake

At night when I'm thinking only of you

Trembling all over as I feel you near

Laughing at memories of jokes I still hear

Feeling your touch as I dim the lights

A warming embrace on the coldest of nights

Explosive emotion, released yet again

You sense but you never have seen all my tears

I know that your mind is nearer to mine

But breaking our walls could take many years

And even as I lie here, sleeping by your side

I'm sensing the something you won't let me feel

You tell me my heart instead of your own

While telling me I need to keep being real

Still I'm trembling all over as I feel you near

Laughing at memories of jokes I still hear

Feeling your touch as I dim the lights

A warming embrace on the coldest of nights

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

MY IMMORTAL

You and I aren't meant to be;

I think I knew this from the start.

I started wanting more from you.

I failed to listen. Now you are

Gone from me; I'm left alone.

The way that it's supposed to be.

When I was with you I had been

Everything I knew was me.

Then one day it all would change;

Love would grow and ruin her.

Insecure emotions spilled -

Another pointless overture.

You were once the best of friends,

So how was I to know it ends?

With just a phrase from someone's mouth,

You left me here with all my doubt.

But in my soul I know my heart

Will heal in time though we're apart.

All the pain is for a reason.

I should know it wasn't treason

When you left me here alone

To follow her, the one you love.

He tells me I had every chance,

But he fails to see she's had your love

All along; I should have seen

That we were never meant to be.

If you had loved me as I love you,

You would have known you wanted me.

So I sit here letting go

And feeling all of what I know.

Emotions ebb and flow through me

As again I start to see.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

SERVATIS A PERICULUM

Servatis a periculum

So that we understand

How hearts can so blind us

And take us from land!

So much for my happy ending;

Family life is not for me.

But if only I had kept my silence

My friend might still be here with me!

Accepting would have been so easy

If I had never told my heart.

She would have had him there with her,

But I would not be torn apart.

It's too late now, I told it all.

Love snuck up on me, so blind.

Now I learn to live with love

That's killing me, and leave behind

All the memories of the year we shared,

All the thoughts that he had cared for me,

All the lonely nights of hope

That after all, we're meant to be.

Servatis a periculum.

We loved music, had so much fun.

Binsky and Psych, I so loved that sound

Until the day it was over and done.

Now I hear his laughter still -

Our voices together on one lonely track,

Immortally recorded and etched in my mind.

How much I wish I could get it all back.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The year started out fresh and exciting, for I was in love with someone a lot like my father - absent.

It was the first time I’d been abandoned by a boyfriend. After months of back and forth “when’s” I finally gave up and told him I was moving away. His response was a cold, “Good luck with that.” I was hurt, and deeply so, because I felt that he shouldn’t have led me on if he truly did not intend on seeing me again.

In the meantime, I was increasingly aware of an attraction to someone else, which I had been aware of before, but felt it was too close for comfort. Well, after I got over the nicely failed relationship, I began trying to figure out if I were too late or not. For months, we pussyfooted around each other, our friendship seemingly growing deeper and deeper and the attraction becoming stronger and stronger. The friendship part was great and I’m forever grateful for the happiness it brought me while I was in the midst of hating my job.

But in the end, I was hurt again before that relationship even took off, hurt in triplicate when I lost the friendship I thought we’d had, went on the rebound and hurt myself ten times over as well as someone that I should have had as a friend in the first place, and became very depressed.

I was a mess. 2004 almost totally sucked. Oh, and to top it all off, my mother moved away. I had intended to follow but in the end decided not to. That didn’t go over well with her, but... I wasn’t in a place to really care at that time.

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