Psychomuse.com

Poetry, 2002

COMPUTER LOVE

Lisening to this music

Attempting to read like I should

But all of these words, they plague me

I really would read if only I could

Can't help but love this wonderful class

I have no doubt that I'll certainly pass

I'll find a way around everything

Because when I'm here, my heart wants to sing

Awesome, it is, to meet all these geeks

Call us some names, but we're not just freaks

'puties are calling, they're calling us now

Perhaps I can leave them, but I don't know how

For years, it has taken, to vanquish my fear

That one day I'd cease to want to be here

Now it all fits, it's so plain to see

I'm slowly becoming who I want to be.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

THE SONG

Breezes flowing through the trees

Hair is down and then it flees

Twirling through the parking zone

Never am I all alone

Softly flowing through me now

Something always knows just how

To grab my mind and let it race

All at once I'm in this place

Words are gone from all my mind

Suddenly they're left behind

Yet thoughts and feelings all abound

I can feel them all around

Ebbing, wavering, touching me

How could I want to somehow flee

From this love that I have found

Where thoughts and feelings all abound?

Slowly, slowly, bit by bit

My mind is dragged back to this pit

Words come back as does this song

My return can't be too long

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

MISS YOUR SMILE

I miss you

I need you

Yet I know I live

Forever on my own

Breathing my own air

Dreaming my own dreams

Fighting my own battles

Learning even though I've grown

And leave you to yourself

Even as I sometimes think

That every thought

Every jump, every mile

Every breath, step and battle

I complete to see your smile.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

WIDE-RULED

Light shines off a finger nail

Shadows fall across the page

Fear is causing me to shake

Even though I'm full of rage

Simple lines across this sheet

I sit and stare down at them all

Seconds pass, and turn to hours

I try to stop your endless call.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

SOFT REGRET

Years have passed and here I am

Hoping I will find the day

Where the dreams I've had of us

Will all come true and find a way

But you came back not long ago

And still remembered how we met

We took a chance and there we were

Now I'm full of soft regret

Because we could not see it work

Something that we can not do

Is force a thing that isn't right

Just to make my dreams come true

Still the link is stronger now

It's something that I can't explain

I want to run away so fast

And yet I still, I still remain

Things went by so fast for us

When you touched me and I touched you

Our minds were eager to connect

Oh, why does it all ring true?

And you came back not long ago

And still remembered that we'd met

We took a chance and there we were

Now I'm full of soft regret

Years have passed, I cannot lie

I've tried and tried to let you go

We had a chance and went our ways

I think we're done but I don't know

Where's the stormy night I sought

Where all there was was destiny

What happened to the rain that night

That was how it was to be

And still the link is stronger now

It's something that I can't explain

I want to run away so fast

And yet I still, I still remain

Left here with this soft regret.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

GO WITH THE FLOW

Suddenly cold

Warmth comes again

Flowing in waves

Don't know where I am

Sun shining down

Waves pushing me

If only I knew

Where you could be

Fighting the current

Of all that is real

Hours pass by

Until I can't feel

The currents are sweeping

Over me now

I've lost track of mountains

I don't recall how

I wake in the shade

I fight once again

Against all the currents

To get where I'd been

Only to find

That no matter how

Hard I will fight

You're with me right now

Relaxed in the sun

Look toward the hill

As the sun sets

Let go of my will

A soft voice chimes in

Says go with the flow

To me of all people

Ironic I know

So must I give up

On you for now

And if this is true

Why don't I know how?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

CLOUDS

Lungs full of water

I try to get air

Hearing his voice but

There's nobody there

Wind starts to blow

Sweeps me aside

As if I'm transparent

I wanted to hide

The lake is an ocean

Of tears I have cried

Waiting to see

If you could have died

And so far all I see

Are clouds in the sky

Surrounded by blue

Is it my turn to die?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

CURSE THE LINK

Once more I walk this lonely old road

Day after day I tread on its stone

For years I had waited, I waited for you

Now I must learn to walk on my own.

Every new morning is blinding to me

Every light step wears a hole in my shoe.

I can't get away from the thoughts in my head

And all of my thoughts are tainted with you.

Sometimes I'm walking, sometimes I run

Does it really matter which road I am on?

It hurts me to see you smiling at me

I'm cursing the link that'll never be gone.

I'm cursing the day that somehow it is

And cursing myself for giving a damn.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

NOT PLAIN TO SEE

First I'm happy

Then I'm sad

Confusion comes

And then I'm mad

I try to hate

All that you've done

But all you did

Was show me fun

if I'd let go

Of what I've felt

Would it have caused

Your heart to melt?

Or would you turn

Away from me

Perhaps it's not

So plain to see.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

TRYING TOO HARD

I try too hard for what I want

And don't know how to stop my heart

From feeling all it wants to feel

At times I think it's why we part

The days have quickly turned to months

Soon will pass a single year

Will I learn to let you go

Or will I always want you here?

Always searching, seeking answers

Never sure of what is true

Often wishing you were here

I try to see I'm not for you

Weeks ago I lost the link

I think it was a first for me

You say for you it wasn't lost

I almost thought you'd ceased to be

For years I tried to make it go

But once I stopped I was alone

Now I'm glad that it came back

When I heard you on the phone

Always searching, seeking answers

Never sure of what is true

Often wishing you were here

I try to see I'm not for you

That's the key though, isn't it?

I try and try to let you go

Tried not to want you like I do

Perhaps that's what I need to know.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

WINDOW SMASHING

I wanna take a walk tonight

But I don't wanna go outside

Because of my anxiety

I stay in here and try to hide

Plants need water, I need time

And my days off are all for me

I can do what I want to do

I can be completely free

But in my little house of glass

I smash the windows all around

My feet are cut by all the shards

My ears are deafened by the sound

For in the darkness of the night

Wishful thinking isn't true

Empty feelings plague my heart

I think my heart was torn in two

And still my mind screams out your name

Even when I stop my brain

From thinking that you want me still

Every day I fight the pain

And in my little house of glass

I smash the windows all around

My feet are cut by all the shards

My ears are deafened by the sound

But window smashing doesn't help

Destroy the feelings here inside

All it does is make me face

The fears upon the other side

My heart is lead, I feel no more

If only I could say it's true

But hopeless anger doesn't come

Through the night I'm feeling you

And in my little house of glass

I smash the windows all around

Every pane will bear your image

Every crash will bear your sound

Until the day I break you out.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

SOUL OF SOUND

You make it sound so effortless

Your voice, it soars, to total bliss

Feelings abound in the songs that you sing

Your sound is akin to a soft angel's wing

Every beat tells a story of life

Some of your music can cut like a knife

Anger and love soar through the air

All of your songs say you were there

Your soul is full of gorgeous sound

Every song fills the air around

The person sitting here typing this

Lost forever in heavenly bliss

And within the shadows of dawn

A warm black box alights upon

Dozens of songs from a well-loved source

Playing all day: your music, of course!

~dedicated to Peter Cetera on his birthday.

YES the ex-lead singer from Chicago! Geezh!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

WEATHERED TIMBER

A pair of trees that stood so tall

Sharing but a single dream

Holding on so tight, so long

Didn't know where else to lean

In the darkness of the night

A lonely tree reflects again

Wondering why it has to hurt

Always rooted where it's been

Dreams rush in and fill the sky

Clouds within a lonely night

Fading moonlight casting shadows

Tranquil water, mirrored light

Blades of grass blow softly now

Breezes climb to steady winds

Flowers crumple, leaves are falling

Every window-candle dims

A storm breaks through the still of night

All the dreams are dashed to bits

Splinters piercing every hope

Within the pause I lose my wits

Weathered timber on the shore

Thrown about within my mind

Once it was a dream come true

Now it's being left behind

In the eye, the beauty's lost

All prepared for what's ahead

Oh, the brass gleamed brightly once

But now its light is almost dead

The eye soon passes through the night

All my dreams were dashed to bits

Splinters piercing every hope

In my face the timber spits

Weathered timber on the shore

Left behind with but a thought

Once it was a dream come true

Now it's left behind to rot

In my eye the beauty's gone

I'm prepared for what's ahead

Oh, the brass gleamed brightly once

If only all my dreams were dead...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

FREE MY SOUL

Dim lights cascade around my heart,

Never fully going out.

I lie awake, you're on my mind,

Imagine your touch, can't leave you behind.

Far away, so insecure,

Will I ever know for sure?

My love, my heart is burning strong,

But I'm worried our timing will always be wrong.

I lie awake at night and I pray

That someday real soon you'll come here to stay,

But prayers alone won't keep you with me

I try to remember that your soul is free.

I've blocked out your mind but still hold you tight.

I still remember your touch in the night.

Temptation is strong but I'm holding back,

For I can't create the feelings you lack.

Distantly hiding somewhere in your eyes...

Why must I wear such a clever disguise?

Stopping my mind from reaching for you,

I hope for the day you feel like I do.

So I lie awake at night and I pray

That someday real soon you'll come here to stay,

But prayers alone won't keep you with me

I've got to remember that your soul is free.

I lie awake at night and I pray

That someday real soon you'll come here to stay,

But prayers alone won't keep you with me,

And I must remember that my soul is free.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

GLOWING EMBERS

It's that time of year again

The time for warmer days to end

Sunlight hits the window pane

Casting shadows in the rain

Drops of salty water fall

Despite the sunshine in the hall

The house is lifted toward the light

Like a bird who's taking flight

Piercing rays of light to light

The glow between them very bright

Yellows, blues, and purples glow

The other side is all they know

The brightest lights within the dark

Join to form a gentle spark

A flame ignites and soon a blaze

Settles in a room of haze

Soundless crackling of the flame

Grows until it's all the same

But soon the sky turns back to gray

Clouds are cast on fading day

Yet the warmer days were true

And still the grass seems wet with dew

The smell of embers glowing red

Lingers on the road ahead

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

RHYTHMIC DREAMS

Lay beneath the stars tonight

Close your eyes and feel the night

As darkness falls and dreams can stir

The past few years have been a blur

Float within a cloud tonight

Close your eyes and feel the light

As the sun comes out to play

Shining down upon the day

Sway within the haze of gold

Let the music move your soul

Slowly open up your eyes

Raise your hands up to the skies

Let the rhythm take you there

Let it raise you in the air

Meet the Master of the Song

The one you've known so very long

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

CHANGING PATHS

Left behind a path so old

I travel on this road of gold

Blue and silver line the edge

Soon it leads me to a ledge

Long way down, so I look up

Feel the weight of an empty cup

Falls to the ground with such a clatter

Soon I'm on a golden ladder

I hear my name without the sound

A loving presence all around

Raindrops flowing through my hair

Sunshine dries it with warm air

Resting on a silver cloud

Close my eyes and dream out loud

Inspiration makes me wake

I find myself upon a lake

Water all around my feet

No longer do I feel the heat

Gliding like a water bug

I sail atop the holes I've dug

Embrace me now, for I am glad

For so long I've been so sad

I close my eyes within your hands

Let you take me from these lands

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

THE SETTING SUN

How often do I look out this window

Toward the skies, the setting sun?

How many times have I felt you near,

But wouldn't allow myself to hear?

Your voice is calling to me now

I understand what I must do.

Follow the sun wherever it leads,

I know the sun will lead me to you.

So many people have told me

That my words can touch the soul

How do I explain the truth?

How do I explain it's you?

Talk to me and tell me more

I know a quest is at my door.

Where the sun sets, I will follow

For where it's dark my life is hollow.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

SILENT LIFE

You live inside me, don't you

Everyone has you in them

I hear you talking silent to me

I know you have a plan

If only these words would come

But words do not explain so well

Who you are, I see your light

Oh help me to let go again

Come and fill my heart today

And then tonight show me the way

For with the setting sun will I

Wake again within your sky.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

NEVER THOUGHT

I never thought I'd find you again

Or that when I did, my dreams would all end

But summer days, they drift away

With the setting sun they play

Warm winds blow

They have to go

I never thought

I would be caught

Within a past

That wouldn't last

Falling leaves upon the ground

Cold wind blowing all around

Emptiness within my heart

Why are we so far apart

Warm winds blow

They have to go

I never thought

I would be caught

Within a past

That wouldn't last

The sun has set upon the dream

Letting go, a dried-up stream

I walk upon the hardened bed

Another path, my heart is led

You float in with sunlight shining

In your hair, daylight dawning

Softly glowing, but time has passed

And then again, it might not last

Yet within that glimmer, within the glow

Emotions afire, they put on a show

Humour and sadness have found their way in

I never thought of loving again

Warm winds blow

They have to go

I never thought

I would be caught

Within a past

That wouldn't last

And now I know

I have to go

I never thought

I would be caught

Within a dream

Another stream

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

FALLING ASLEEP

Falling into the feeling

Tumbling down the hill

Letting it go

Losing my will

Eyelids droop shut

Sleep overtakes

Dreaming of you

Tomorrow I'll wake

Memories intact

I still see your eyes

The touch of your mind

No sign of disguise

The longing we knew

That just couldn't be

But knowing won't stop

The things that we see

The Provider returns

As down falls the night

I know there is meaning

Behind every light.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

END OF THE ROAD

Better to have loved and lost

For when in love, I'm in the now

Though I really miss you

And I think at times I need you

I don't

For despite the miles

And the many years between us

At night you come to me in dreams

Hair aglow, eyes afar

Perfect hands that play guitar

I awaken

To your touch, your fading smile

Whispers enchanting my hand

The day passes by

Thoughts abound so rampantly

Only to come to a standstill

I step outside, look upward again

And slightly toward the cloudy southwest

Where you are

And God is always here with me

Even if you cannot be

So even though my life will change

And even though my mind goes on

My heart will lead me

Where I should go

Until the end of my world

The end of my road.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

SPARKLING

Another day turns into night

But my soul is burning bright

Leaning back within the dark

Once again I see the spark

A little rumble in the flame

Such a love, so very tame

Yet full of power, soft and true

Clouds depart for skies of blue

Stir within this heart of mine

I lose myself within your time

Gently touch my soul with your Light

A sparkle of love so deep in the night

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

WIND OF LOVE

Warm winds flowing through my hair

The sound of silence in the air

Spirits fly within the trees

In the dark I'm on my knees

Thunder rolling through the hills

Pouring rain provides the chills

Water pouring down my back

I search for something that I lack

Sunlight peeking through the gray

Within your Light is where I'll stay

Even in the moonlit night

I know your Love is always bright

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

GROWING GILLS (DON'T MOVE SO FAST)

My mind is quick

Not quick enough

I like this man

But not so much

Rhyme and reason

Go out to play

At times I'd like

To simply stay

Don't move so fast

There is no need

It doesn't help

To make us bleed

Our hearts can be

Put onto hold

There is no need

To be so bold

Time can hurt

And also heal

I can't change

The way I feel

So do not hate me

For things I feel

I need to grow

I must be real

Don't move so fast

There is no need

It doesn't help

To make us bleed

Our hearts can be

Put onto hold

There is no need

To be so bold

Don't move so fast

I want to run

Away from this

It isn't fun

To feel so pushed

I'm out of air

Give me time

So I can care

Stand up tall

Don't lean on me

You need your life

So you can be

And I need mine

So I can see

And feel the love

God gives to me

Don't move so fast

I'll have to run

Away from this

It isn't fun

To feel so pushed

I'm out of air

Give me time

So I can care

And then one day

I might get there

And learn to live

Without the air

Growing gills

Within the sea

I hope you want

To grow with me

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

TOWERS

Stone by stone, foundation laid,

All the workers have been paid.

Walls erect and taller still;

At the top exists my will.

So close to Heaven and yet so far.

Walls of Babylon, that's what they are.

Then I think I've found my place.

This is when the walls erase.

Stone by stone, crumbling wall,

When I think I have it all.

I forget despite the sense.

The heap around me is so dense.

Another tower's built. This time

I will hide within sublime

Walls of thick and stronger stone.

I think I want to be alone.

I cannot hide, I cannot run.

I can't escape the rising sun.

Its rays climb high above the sand.

I should know it's not my land.

So I let the towers fall;

Stone by stone, I'll drop them all.

Sitting in the rubble still,

Slowly losing all my will.

Stone by stone, crumbling wall,

When I thought I had it all.

I forgot despite the sense.

The heap around me is so dense.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

EASIER SAID THAN DONE

Searching, always searching

For what lies beyond my mind

My heart discontent

I seek the spark within

I feel it grow within my heart

Oh, my Lord, why do we part?

What within these eyes can't see

That all I need to do is be?

Easier said than done I know

And yet I know you'll never go

I love you even in the rain

I sense your heart can feel my pain

Doesn't matter where I lie

You are always by my side

Lovely lights swirl in the night

Protecting me from every fright

I believe but still I think

I fail despite my strongest Link

If only I could just let go of it all

I know you'd never allow me to fall

Easier said than done I know

And yet I know you'll never go

I love you even in the rain

I sense your heart can feel my pain

And I believe

That everything is good

In its own way

Even in my arrogance

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

GIVE TO MYSELF

To make me feel alive again

You think you need to spur me on

All you need to do is look

The fire in me isn't gone

Pounding, thumping, in my head

All too quickly I feel dead

Sadly fading, that's the cost

You don't know just what I lost

I adapt too quickly now

Even I can not see how

But every time you're touching me

I feel as though I cannot be

Gentle, gently, softly feel

See me when I'm feeling real

Tease me with a fleeting touch

Soft caresses mean so much

Patience is a virtue now

Eager fingers don't know how

To touch the flower deep inside

They only make the petals hide

I feel like I am such a freak

From the blinds I take a peek

And see the fun that others make

Maybe every one is fake

Please don't hurt me, let me go

I try to tell you what you know

But you don't listen, you're too rough

And stop before I've had enough

So I lay alone at night

And soon release is in my sight

Despite the flesh that you consume

I won't stay locked within my tomb

Your eyes meet mine, I'm unafraid

Your hands are gentle and first aid

Tender lips, I beg for more

Soon I know I'm through the door

I hear your voice within the night

Give me vision, give me sight

I need you now but it's too late

I give myself what I must hate

Finally I'm off to sleep

Dreams will like be quite deep

I will travel many lands

And lie within your gentler hands

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

NEGATIVITY

Negativity

I steal away your energy

I look into your eyes

Revealing your disguise

Negativity

Give me just one reason

For every single season

To take away your heart

Oh where do we start

Negativity

I steal away your energy

I look into your eyes

Revealing your disguise

Negativity

I steal away your energy

You look into my eyes

You're seeing my disguise

Oh negativity

I rest my fingers on your soul

I only have a single goal

To take away your heart

Oh where do we start

I wipe away

The tears forming in your eyes

You wear such a sweet disguise

Oh and negativity

You wipe away the tears

Erasing all my fears

My negativity

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

WITHOUT YOU

I sit here without you

In the bare moonlight

Saxophone playing

A beautiful tune

As I feel my hands

Move so effortlessly

Over the keys

They're so accustomed to

You're at work now

I shall be soon

Finally apart

A whole day and some

I listen to music

You might when you're home

I'm feeling so strange

Like you're all that I know

Yet though you're not here

I still touch your smile

I feel your caress

Your mouth touching mine

A soft, gentle force

Tearing these walls

Familiar sensations

As if you were near

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

WITHIN TONIGHT

Lay beneath the stars tonight

Close your eyes and feel the night

As darkness falls and dreams can stir

The past few years have been a blur

Moments pass, turn into days

Barely sensing Nature's ways

The power of the mind and heart

Growing strong though far apart

Lay within the stars tonight

Close your eyes and feel the night

Sway within a haze of gold

Let the music move your soul

Float within a cloud tonight

Close your eyes and feel the light

As the sun comes out to play

Dawning bright upon the day

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

FREEDOM OF OUR MINDS

Minds that touch, I thought, were rare

But into your mind I stare

Never sure of what I see

But your mind stares back at me

Cold and warmth, they alternate

Pain has tried to close the gate

But in the pain there has been Light

Shining out despite the Night

I can't forget the Time we've shared

Or the Truths our souls have bared

Even though we are afraid

Soon the Bricks will all be laid

And then the nightmares that we've had

Will no longer seem so bad

For our minds will be set free

And all of us will simply be.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

PATH OF LIGHT

In the night there is a road

Lit with stars of brightest gold

Extending outward into space

Caught beneath a spirit's race

Swirling stars within my eyes

I'm the spirit in the skies

At times the journey seems so long

But for those times I hear a song

The path of Light grows longer still

I travel on with all my will

Guide me toward infinity

Where my soul is always free

I fly within the dark of Night

I'm protected by the Light

Beacons burning in the skies

Their reflection in my eyes

Clouds are high and far below

The path of Light is all I know

Now and then I start to stray

But the beacons guide my way

The path of Light grows longer still

I travel on with all my will

Guide me toward infinity

Where my soul is always free

Travel on the path of Light

Follow the beacons that burn in the Night

Let them guide you toward infinity

Where your soul will always be

Free to walk the path of Light

That shines so bright within the night

Guide us toward infinity

Where our souls are always free

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

CAVE DWELLER

In a cave on a shore

Where storms blow in

Your heart is kept

So far within

The day shines out

Of soft rock covers

You think of me

As if we're lovers

The waves crash in

Upon your home

So linked to it all

Yet drowning alone

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

LOVE

I hesitate to say the word, but I love someone.

I want them to be happy, to learn, to grow, and to be free, even if

it means I seldom or never see them.

I want to understand them more than I do, but I respect their

wishes. If they do not wish for my understanding, that is their

right.

I am aware that I desire more of them than I feel they give, but I

also know that I can not make them willingly give me more than they

can or want to give. It must be given willingly or not at all.

I am also aware that remembering to live by my own standards will not

always be easy, but sometimes I need to cry. My afflictions will end

when I have learned enough and wish to move on. For without sadness,

how would I know happiness?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

2002 was a year of struggle for me. It did not take me long to figure out that my latest relationship was really an obsession with someone I barely knew outside of the less scientific realm. We ended our relationship and remained friends, despite the occasional hint that perhaps we should not have ended it. This lack of letting go completely on both sides made it very difficult for me to move on.

“Weeping Willow” pretty much summarizes the relationship at that point.

The poetry that followed reflected my inability to let go. Intermingled in there was an attempt to do so by succumbing to a rather sickly relationship that did not take long to capsize, reflected early on in “Growing Gills.”

The year ended with the realization that I’d learned to love. I suddenly saw things for what they were, even if I wasn’t quite willing to stop being willful in my ventures.

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